Many of us don’t feel comfortable expressing our anger or sharing our needs, so we resort to passive aggressive behavior in an attempt to communicate what we feel or what we want. The problem is that this behavior does not meet our needs and usually brings distance to a relationship instead of closeness. What is passive aggressive behavior? One definition is a pattern of behavior in which one reflects hostility or resentment through indirect means. The bottom line is that we don’t feel like we can express ourselves directly or don’t know how, but our feelings manifest themselves in other ways: procrastination, “forgetfulness,” sarcasm, not doing things right, talking behind people’s backs. , etc. Some examples from my personal life are my mother, who always had a hard time saying how she felt, would get sick or have a headache (like clockwork) when an event approached that she didn’t want to go to, but felt she could. Do not say no. Passive aggressiveness is not just about the inability to express anger, but also about a more general message: “I can’t directly express what my needs/feelings are, so I have to try to meet/listen to them in other ways.” Often, the person learns through experience that her needs will not be met, or that her feelings are not important; to change this, it may be necessary to develop skills (to express ourselves effectively) or deeper issues such as “my needs are not important”. Most of us have displayed passive aggressive behavior at some point in our lives and some of us use it regularly! I have used avoidance as a coping mechanism, which can be very passive-aggressive, depending on the circumstances.
A word of caution about sarcasm: sometimes, not always, it’s a way of indirectly expressing how you feel, usually in a negative way that can hurt the relationship. If your partner/child/friend doesn’t like your sarcasm, that’s probably a sign to tone it down. Here are some questions to ponder about expressing your feelings and needs:
– Is it difficult for you to express what your needs/feelings are?
– Is the conflict very difficult for you and you prefer to avoid it?
– Do you use a LOT of sarcasm, and have others noticed and mentioned it?
– Do you talk a lot behind the back of others instead of directly telling the person you have a problem with?
– Do you often agree to do something and then find a reason to take it back (knowing that when you said yes, you really meant no)?
– Do others often tell you that you procrastinate or do your job wrong on purpose?
What to do if you recognize that you have some passive aggressive personality traits? Keep calm, many of us do! It’s great that you can NAME what the behavior is, recognize that it’s related to not expressing our feelings/needs, commit to yourself to take the necessary steps to make your needs known, even when it’s uncomfortable (and it will be). very uncomfortable at first) in a direct and honest way. Don’t know what would constitute a direct and honest way of expressing yourself? So get some books on communication and practice developing those skills! If you believe you have deeply held beliefs that your feelings/needs don’t matter, you may benefit from individual counseling to explore/heal that part of you.