“This is the first time I’ve heard of it” was her anguished reply. “You never told me.” she accused
I am learning to make plans for my wife and myself. If I don’t communicate them to you repeatedly, or slowly enough for you to understand, when the time comes to implement them, you may become confused and defensive. Not knowing what to do, then he will reject me. “This is the first time I’ve heard of it.”
We have put together a monthly calendar for recurring events and use “sticky notes” to add unscheduled events. This routine usually works. When I’m out and about and I know you can forget, a pleasant phone call will alert me if you need a reminder or are in the process of getting ready for your lunch, appointment, or errand. Just a quick, “Hi, how are you doing?” will usually do the trick.
Over the years, due to the various hours of work in my wife’s career as a nurse, I have often taken a leading role in decision-making in our home and family life. . I do not intend to always be in control… as this has negative implications, however, in the growing need to assume the role of caretaker, I am faced with this need. My patience is often stretched, leaving me angry, alone, exhausted, or overwhelmed.
In our marriage, my wife and I have always worked together using our individual strengths and weaknesses to complement each other in a team effort to get things done. I have always done bill paying, planning, problem solving, organizing repairs and maintenance, inside and out. Usually we have had outside help to do the cleaning etc. We teach our four children to share routine responsibilities. Now, in the retirement years, my wife had taken over many of these household chores.
It’s recently become more practical for me to take on dinner planning to keep us on some sort of reasonable schedule. My wife still enjoys shopping, but she often buys more than is already on our shelves and skips priority items on her list.
Because a sense of independence is extremely important to each of us as individuals, I try to be very careful to be subtle in the area of taking on new roles and affecting new limitations, as we go on our journey together. In many ways, our roles have changed her from mother and nurse to child and patient, and me from a supportive role as husband to the new role of caregiver.
On a positive note, my wife is always an encouragement. She still she can build my ego and regularly assure me of her love. For this I will be eternally grateful.