Codependents often wonder what is normal. They feel insecure and wonder how others perceive them. Many tell me that they don’t really know themselves. They have become people pleasers, editing what they say and adapting their behavior to the feelings and needs of others. Some sacrifice themselves, their values, needs, wants, and feelings, to someone they care about. For other codependents, their behavior revolves around their addiction, whether it be to a drug, a process such as sex or gambling, or the search for prestige or power to feel secure. Eventually, your accomplishments feel meaningless. Both types of codependents suffer from self-alienation, an alienation from their true self. They are disconnected from their true and authentic self. This is the emptiness we feel when a relationship ends, success is achieved, or during addiction withdrawal. Therefore, codependency is called a disease of a “lost self.”
Codependency denial and the real you
Ideally, our true self emerges in the normal course of becoming an individual, called “individuation,” so that we can distinguish our own feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, perceptions, and actions, as separate from our family and others. . A disrupts individuation to varying degrees. Because codependency is transgenerational, a “false” codependent self is formed in childhood.
Most codependents deny this situation because they have long organized their thinking and behavior around something or someone outside of themselves. Some codependents cannot identify their values or opinions. They are suggestible and can be easily persuaded to do things they later regret. In a conflict, they cannot hold on to their views once they are challenged. This makes relationships a minefield, especially with a partner who uses projection as a defense and blames or accuses them of their own faults or behavior. You may suspect that you are being abused, but when you are blamed, you become confused and doubt your own perceptions. You could end up apologizing for inciting the anger of an abuser.
In recovery, we must rediscover who we are. What should have been a natural and unconscious development process, now as an adult requires a conscious internal reorientation. The effort is necessary, because the tendency is to go into denial and externalize ourselves. Denial exists on various levels, from outright repression to minimization.
Feelings
Many codependents are highly attuned to the feelings of others, but deny their own. They may know they are “upset,” but they cannot name what they are feeling. They may name a feeling but rationalize or minimize it, or the feeling is known only intellectually and not embodied. Often this is due to internalized and unconscious shame from childhood. In relationships, codependents feel responsible for the feelings of others. Their attention is focused on their partner, and they often identify more with their partner than with themselves.
Needs
They also deny their needs, particularly emotional ones. In relationships, they sacrifice their needs to accommodate others. They can go months or years without intimacy, respect, affection, or appreciation, without even realizing what they are missing. It’s usually not a conscious choice because they don’t realize what their needs are or think they matter. They also deny their needs when they are single. They may take care of themselves physically and appear to be the paragon of beauty or physical progress, but they neglect relational and emotional needs.
Wants
The most difficult challenge for many codependents is identifying what they want. They are so used to making others happy and satisfying their needs and wants, including those of their own children, that they have no idea what they want. You may continue in a job or other routine behavior, but never ask yourself what else you want out of life. If they do, they make excuses and quickly feel that it is useless to make any changes.
What you can do
Some things you can start doing:
- Start writing in a journal about your feelings, wants, and needs.
- Ask yourself throughout the day, “What am I feeling?” Name it.
- Tune in to your body. Identify internal sensations and feelings.
- When you are down or uncomfortable, ask yourself what you need and meet your need.
- Compare a list of what you want to do and what you have to do.
- What prevents you from doing what you want? Start doing what you want.
- Be authentic in your communication.
It’s easy to fall into old habits, and it can be hard to motivate yourself to follow these recommendations. Additionally, recovery may be accompanied by anxiety and depression. Some people inadvertently change addictions or obsessions to avoid this. These are the reasons why it is so important to have a good support system, including meetings and 12-step therapy.
©DarleneLancer 2018