I often hear of wives struggling to find the best course of action after their husband tells them he wants a divorce. Many of them are looking for a way to make their husbands regret the decision to divorce or see that it was the wrong decision in the first place. And a logical emotion that could accomplish this is guilt. After all, a husband who wants a divorce is seriously disrupting his family and asking everyone to change life as they know it.
I recently heard from a wife who felt her husband deserved a heavy dose of blame. She said, in part: “My husband is being so selfish right now. He says he’s not happy and staying married isn’t what he wants. He feels he deserves to be happy and fulfilled, so this means my children will grow up without his father and we’ll have a hard time making ends meet. I don’t think I can keep our house on my own. So not only will my kids have to get divorced, but they’ll have to move as well. And this is all because this selfish man thinks that the grass is going to be greener on the other side of the fence. My friend said I should pull out all our bills along with my pay stubs and show him what’s going to happen with this divorce. What to do with us. Or maybe I should have him My kids are begging you not to do this. Are these good ideas? Would they work?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.
Before I begin to explore the idea of making a husband feel guilty about the divorce, I must emphasize that in this situation, the wife hoped that guilt would cause the husband to call off the divorce so that he would stay married. Her real goal was to save her marriage. She only suspected that guilt feelings were going to be one way to achieve it.
I don’t think guilt is the emotion most likely to change your husband’s mind about divorce: I learned the hard way that negative emotions will usually only drive your husband further away from you. The point is that her husband probably already feels bad or has mixed feelings. Therefore, going down this path is not likely to present you with a new or insurmountable dilemma. By the time a husband opens up and files for divorce, he has probably already thought deeply about what kind of changes this will bring. You probably aren’t telling him something he doesn’t already know, and, for now at least, his desire for a divorce outweighs his concern about the changes the divorce itself will bring.
In my opinion, the best strategy is to change the circumstances that are contributing to his wanting a divorce rather than trying to make him feel guilty for his reaction to them.
Shifting from focusing on negative emotions that cause shame or guilt to positive ones that will foster a sense of cooperation: The wife in this situation seemed to get my point. But she felt that she had no other cards to play. She felt that her husband was convinced that he could not be happy within the marriage. So she wondered what else she was supposed to do to keep her family together. Sometimes focusing on the positive when you’re feeling so scared is the hardest thing to do, but it can be the most effective.
Because if your husband feels that you want two separate things and that you blame him for wanting to be happy, then common sense tells you that he will want to avoid you at all costs. No one welcomes a situation that makes them feel shame, guilt, or other negative emotions. And, usually, they will become angry or distance themselves from the person who inspires these feelings (and that person is you).
I have seen this situation play out countless times. And more often than not, you gain more ground and are more successful if you can generate a sense of cooperation along with positive feelings. Because when you do this, you may start to doubt that divorce is the right decision. When you take the blame, you’re not really doing anything to change his logic or show him that his conclusions are wrong. You’re trying to make him feel so bad about his conclusions (even if they’re correct) that he’ll change course even if it’s not what you really want to do.
A man who stays in a marriage out of guilt often doesn’t want to be there and is not fully committed or involved: Another thing to remember is that trying to get your husband to call off the divorce out of fault is a short-term strategy. Although this strategy has a low success rate, some wives get a short-term reprieve from this, but the gain is rarely long-lasting. Because even if the husband stays or returns, it is usually quite obvious that she is only there out of a sense of obligation and her unhappiness grows. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of time until she starts talking about the divorce again. And the next time she shows up or wants to move out, she won’t be able to use the same strategy and it will be much harder to get her attention again.
That is why it is much better to make him believe that his happiness is also your goal. Once this becomes believable, the next step would be to show him over time that he can be happy and fulfilled by staying married to you. I’m not going to pretend that this process is going to be quick or easy because it often isn’t (although it’s not impossible either). But it’s usually much more effective than playing the blame or pity card. A marriage that is still intact just because of guilt is not a marriage at all. It may seem like a sexy last ditch effort. But there is usually a better way. And if you must use it, be sure to balance it with a sense of cooperation and plenty of positive reinforcement afterwards.