Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is growing) and 60% of men at some point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and an estimated 80% of marriages will have a spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very high number. However, after more than two decades of working full-time as a marriage and family therapist, I don’t think that number is off the charts. I worked with a large number of people involved in infidelities that were never discovered.
The chance that someone close to you is or will soon be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person’s habits and behavior patterns, as well as detachment, lack of concentration, and reduced productivity. Maybe you feel something “off” but can’t quite put your finger on what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those who hide the matter will continue to hide. The “victim” of the extramarital affair is often, at least initially, racked with anger, grief, shame, and thoughts of failure that prevent her from divulging the crisis.
It may be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the state of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and have different purposes.
From my study and experience with hundreds of couples, I have identified 7 different types of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactive to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise from addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture toy with issues of right and power by becoming “trophy hunters.” This “kids will stay kids” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some engage in marital infidelity out of a great need for drama and excitement and become enraptured with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling”.
An extramarital affair can be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or revenge can come from anger. Although revenge is the motive for both of them, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of asserting personal desirability. A nagging question of being “okay” can lead to a short-term, one-man affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that tries to balance the needs for distance and intimacy in marriage, often with the connivance of the spouse.
The prognosis for the survival of the marriage is different for everyone. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others give a death sentence. Also, different extramarital relationships call for different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of discovering infidelity is often profound. Days and weeks of insomnia, musings, fantasies (many sexual), and unproductiveness follow. It usually takes 2-4 years to “figure out” the implications. A good trainer or therapist can speed up and smooth the process. I do not recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact is the result of a powerful couple dynamic. Confidence is shattered – from one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT learning to trust the other person, but learning to trust yourself. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secrecy exacts an emotional and sometimes physical cost that must be recognized and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the middle of their love crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out uncensored. I know that sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t say. It may not be nice, pretty, or smooth. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every once in a while I want to hear something like, “This too shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I’m okay. The best way to do this is by nodding your head when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. Sometimes I want to hear, “What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt to move past my pain to see the bigger picture.
5. I may want space. You may want me to be quiet and patient while I try to collect and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stutter, stutter, and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point me to some new options or different paths I might take. But before you do this, make sure I’m heard and validated first.
7. When they come to mind, please recommend books or other resources that you think might be helpful.
8. I want to hear from time to time, “How are you doing?” And you may want this to be more than just an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome mixed feelings and desires. I would like you to be quite comfortable with the gray areas and contradictions in how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, constantly listening and talking or letting me know when you can’t. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are expensive. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity: to redesign life and love relationships in a way that creates honor, joy and true intimacy.