I often hear from wives who are in the middle of a marital separation that they want to get it over with as soon as possible. To that end, many want to make sure that they are acting in a way that is intended to bring their husband back home and commit to the marriage. And many worry about how they are being perceived during the separation. They don’t want to say or do anything (or act in a way) that will make a reconciliation less likely.
I recently heard from a wife who was confused about the best way to deal with her husband while they were apart. Being apart and not knowing what was going to happen to her marriage had made her depressed and scared, but she knew intuitively that letting him see the full scope of this might not be her best idea.
She said, in part: “I’m not sure how to act around my husband while we’re apart. The truth is that I’m scared, angry, depressed and insecure about this whole process, but my friends tell me that I should act like it’s all They tell me I should pretend I don’t care too much and try to act like I’m trusting the process all the time. Part of me understands that focusing on the positive, but another part of me feels this is dishonest and is playing. My husband knows me very well. He knows I didn’t want the breakup and probably has a pretty good idea of how devastated I am. Acting differently than this just feels wrong to me. But I’m willing to try anything to make it happen. he ends the separation. I will act or say whatever is necessary to save my marriage. What is the best way for a wife to act towards her husband while separated?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.
You don’t want to abandon your true self while apart any more than you want to act in any way that isn’t believable: Many people who contact me reflect the concerns of this wife. They have read or heard that you should act nonchalant while ignoring your spouse. In other words, many people will try to use reverse psychology or play hard to get in the hope that this will make their spouse want them more.
Thus, they will try their hand at someone else or say or do things that feel completely foreign to them (and are pretty hard to pull off convincingly). In my opinion and experience, this can be as big a mistake as concentrating. in your depression and fear. No one wants to feel manipulated or cheated. But that’s how your spouse is likely to feel in the very likely event that they find out what they’re doing. And, if you’re trying out a different personality that’s so far removed from who you really are, chances are your spouse will see exactly what you’re doing and not respond very positively. When this happens, you’ve just made your job that much harder because they now approach every single thing you do or say (and every statement you make) with suspicion and doubt.
While I agree that there is a right and a wrong way to act towards your husband while you’re separated, you should never take this as far as trying to act like someone you’re not or being completely dishonest. I think it’s perfectly fine to focus on the positive and twist reality to your best advantage, but many take this too far and actually has the opposite effect of what they were aiming for all along.
Allowing your husband to see a strong, coping, and vibrant version of yourself is different than denying the truth, pretending you don’t care about him, or implying that you want a separation that you don’t really support: When I say that many people take this too far, what I mean is that many wives will try to make their husbands believe that they just don’t care about the separation or that they think it’s a great idea. First, this is a dangerous game to play if there’s a chance you won’t be able to pull it off. Second, I think and note that this can sometimes backfire when you take it too far.
I think it’s better to focus on a more polished and positive version of the truth. There’s no need to pretend to support the split if it’s actually the worst case scenario (although you shouldn’t always insist on this, either). It’s potentially damaging to your relationship if you pretend you don’t care enough about your spouse. feeling hurt or scared by the separation (and this probably won’t ring a bell to your spouse anyway).
At the same time, you don’t want to focus so much on your sadness and fears that it becomes a negative experience for your spouse every time they try to interact with you. Because this will sometimes make a reconciliation much less likely. People generally don’t want to spend a lot of time with another person who constantly brings them down. As much as possible, you want to choose positive topics to focus your attention on when you are around your spouse. Your spouse is expected to know that you did not want the separation and that you are not exactly hugging now. But there’s a big difference between the truth that’s there and thinking about it so much that it’s always the elephant in the room that abruptly stops any progress you might otherwise have made.
When you’re separated, you don’t want or need your husband’s pity. The goal is not for him to come home because you have made it clear that you cannot or do not want to live without him. (This sets up a very shaky foundation that he is likely to crumble as soon as he hits another tough spot.) you can and did relate in a positive, genuine, and healthy way during the separation.
Show your husband the positive but genuine version of yourself that you know he will respond to during the separation: I know that focusing on the positive so that your husband responds in kind is easier said than done. I know it’s hard to pretend to get by and stay as upbeat as you can while your heart is breaking. But you still have to ask yourself if, if the tables were reversed, you yourself would respond positively to the person you’re exhibiting.
I always suggest avoiding topics that will be difficult to navigate convincingly, at least at first. It is also very important to keep busy so that when you are together, it is clear that you were not sitting at home falling apart and waiting for the next meeting. You have to wonder who your husband is going to respond to best right now. The answer is probably some part of you that he loves dearly but hasn’t seen much of lately.
To do this convincingly, you usually have to surround yourself with experiences, people, and things that support you, make you smile, and allow you to project this onto others. Doing this may seem selfish or even indulgent when your marriage is on the line, but the reality is often quite the opposite. Because this is what will allow you to genuinely project the positive, coping personality that is most likely to cause her husband to respond correctly and allow her to cope as genuinely as possible. I know it’s tempting to sit at home and sulk or focus on your fears and what you don’t have. But I promise you that you will usually get better results if you put in the effort and focus on the positive things that you have.