Several of my clients report that they do not have strong emotions, even in situations that would normally arouse anger or fear. Some claim to have been completely “stunned” for as long as they can remember. Everyone is born with feelings: think of the emotions that a newborn can express even without language. So if someone falls asleep, it is because they have learned that expressing feelings is useless or dangerous. Then the child develops the habit of repressing his true feelings.
Getting in touch with feelings allows us to be more self-aware and is an essential component in forming intimate relationships. Our emotions give us critical information about what we like, what we don’t like, what we want, and what we need. If we are aware that we do not like something, we can address the problem directly. People who are “numb” remain largely unconscious or unclear about the situations that irritate or hurt them, and therefore fail to deal with problems effectively. They often suffer from anxiety and / or depression.
To rekindle a client’s emotions, I talk about lighting a fire with flint and steel. (Many clients never participated in the scan.) Striking flint against steel produces sparks that you strive to keep in your carefully protected nest of tinder (shredded cotton, burlap, or hemp). When a spark starts to make the tinder glow, you fold the tinder around the glowing ember and blow gently until it finally produces a flame.
Getting in touch with your emotions is like trying to turn that glowing ember into a flame. I ask clients to recall their most angry moment and then try to locate that feeling in their bodies. Focusing on body memory helps fan the flames, so to speak. We repeat the exercise recalling the saddest memory or the most terrible memory of a client. I ask clients to remember a moment of immense joy. Then we try to evoke additional memories around the emotion.
Another exercise is to connect feelings with sensations. I ask clients to find a pleasant natural habitat (a park, a lake, a stream) and then to focus on their senses: what do they see, hear, smell and feel? Often times, they will have been in this place many times before without being fully aware of their surroundings. By tuning your senses one by one, you focus on the details of the world around you. I ask you then to get in touch with any feelings you may have in this natural environment. They may not have strong emotions like excitement, dread, or pain. In this experiment, we may have to settle for mild pleasure, restlessness, or nostalgia. These subtle feelings resemble the delicate embers of primitive fire, but concentrating and identifying the feelings, often for the first time in years, has the same effect as gently blowing on the glowing embers. Eventually, it can become a small flame of rekindled emotions.
From there, I instruct clients to play the crazy-sad-happy-scared game daily in which they complete the stem of the sentence: “If I were {angry / sad / happy / scared} about something right now , it would be … “(Many parents play this game with their children to help them learn to distinguish feelings). Numb clients can benefit from exercise to reconnect with latent emotions. Meditation represents another excellent method for developing emotional self-awareness.
Getting in touch with your emotions can be a critical component in curing depression, anxiety, or failed relationships. Listening to feelings is also an essential part of being alive and aware.