Q: My marriage is really in trouble and I need your help. About a month ago, it became known that he was having an affair with a woman, and both she and her husband are friends of our family. It didn’t last long, but my wife is ready to go and feels betrayed by both me and her friend. She says that once trust is broken like this, it will never be the same again. How do I save my marriage and how do we repair the friendship with the woman and her husband?
A: The good news is that it can be cured, although it takes time and a lot of work.
The first thing to do is get it, fully realize what you have done. You have broken a trust. That’s why I’ve always disliked the word business, because it makes it sound like something fun without consequences.
It is really adultery, the breaking of a sacred trust. I’m not saying this to hit him, but just to point out that calling him for what he is helps us get off to a good start in healing him.
Therefore, you must offer your wife a full apology.
A full apology includes an acknowledgment of the wrongdoing, taking responsibility for what you did, expressing the damage caused, and a commitment to make sure it never happens again. Only then can the words “sorry” have any useful meaning.
After fully apologizing, it’s time to work to rebuild trust. It is easy to believe that once trust is broken, it can never be rebuilt, because we tend to think of trust as an all or nothing proposition; Either you have it or you don’t. The problem with this is that it leaves no room for rebuilding once the trust is damaged or broken.
So let’s look at confidence on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest. Ask your wife how she would rate her confidence level for you right now. You may need to prepare for the answer. If it’s a 2, don’t set a goal to go back to 9 just yet. It is too big a jump.
Ask what it would take to go from a 2 to a 3. This way, by moving up one level at a time, you can, over time and with a lot of work, regain the confidence that was broken.
In most cases like this, rebuilding trust requires living under a microscope for a while, and maybe longer. All your movements and words will be closely watched. This may require your wife to know your exact whereabouts at all times, present receipts for any money spent, and other exercises to build trust.
Living under a microscope is not fun. It is rigorous and painful; It can hurt your pride and even make you feel like a child. That is only part of the price you pay to get something back that is worth everything that is going on.
It is crucial that you do nothing to increase the magnification under the microscope even more. This brings me to your question on how to heal your friendship with the woman you were with and her husband.
For now, that should be the least of your worries. That friendship may heal later, but for now, the last thing you want to do is give the impression that friendship is more important than your marriage. You must be very careful here.
He has a difficult road ahead. In the most difficult moments, you will have to keep in mind that the goal is worth it. Good luck.