If you are a parent starting the divorce process, after you tell your children, you want to be safe and tell the important people in your children’s lives. When a couple decides to get divorced, often the last thing they want to do is tell everyone. However, for the sake of your children, it is better to let significant others know as soon as possible.
Your children are about to experience a great upheaval in their world. Children need people other than their parents to talk about what is happening to them and their family. Children may need help processing their feelings and emotions. They may need to learn coping skills to handle such a major life event.
It is important that the people who interact with your children on a regular basis know what is going on in your family life. The reason you want to tell people:
- By letting important people know, they can watch for any changes in your child’s behavior (or concerns) and let them know.
- If a person knows what the child is going through, they can help the person understand or explain their child’s behavior. They may be more compassionate, understanding, and able to help your child.
- The person may offer support, advice, or listen to your child.
- Other people may recognize changes in your children that your children may try to hide from you. Children may not want to burden their parents when they know they are going through a difficult time.
- Having other people take care of them, watching for any signs of depression, sadness, conflicts, or changes in behavior can help you know that your child may need help coping with your divorce and/or stress.
Regardless of the age of your children, from preschool to high school, as a parent, you must take the initiative to notify the important people in your children’s lives. Think of all the people your child has regular contact with in an average week or month. I have listed below some of the potential people to notify:
teachers
school counselors
Child care providers
babysitters
athletic trainers
The parents of your children’s friends.
Instructors (music classes, extracurricular activities)
Leaders for activities or groups (Scouts, Clubs, Church)
I understand that it can be difficult, embarrassing, or challenging to tell people about your divorce. Announcing a divorce isn’t exactly fun. It can make you feel emotional and uncomfortable. You may wonder how people will react, they will ask you a lot of questions, what will you tell them?
I suggest thinking ahead of time what you want to tell people. Obviously, you can share more information with those who know you and/or your child better than those you barely know. If it’s awkward to tell certain people face-to-face, or if you rarely get a chance to talk to them one-on-one, send an email or leave a voicemail.
You may be surprised at the response you’ll get from people. When people find out that you are getting divorced, it can open the door for your friendship or relationship to move to a new level. You may find out that the person you are telling has been through a divorce, you may know someone who works in the divorce field who can be a resource to you. A person you tell may end up being a source of emotional support for you and/or your child.
About which parent should you notify the important people in your children’s lives? He may be saying to himself, it’s not me who wants this divorce, I shouldn’t be the one to tell others. If your spouse is willing to notify people who need to know, then good for you, he is off the hook. If not, consider a compromise. Depending on the number of children, the number of people to contact/notify divides the list and shares the responsibility.
If one spouse is unwilling or unable to notify the important people in their children’s lives, I encourage them to take the initiative. Your children should not be responsible for telling their loved ones about your divorce. As unpleasant as it may seem, please do not procrastinate or avoid this important task. Your children will be affected, not the other parent, if you ignore taking action.