In a typical classroom full of 3rd graders, you will have a classroom filled with excitement, non-stop talking, and a teacher exhaustively grabbing your attention. Trust me, any third grader knows it all! You can ask mine. They can be shy about it with those they don’t know very well, but family and friends are fair game in the confident demeanor and say it to each other with great conviction. I found that arguing a point ends at challenge number 2, self-criticism. Feeling defeated, they may scream in frustration or tears and walk away stomping and verbally tearing themselves apart. We go on, usually dazed and confused by the reaction, trying to reassure our son that we’re just trying to tell him how it “really is”, or teach him a different way of looking at it, or were unintentionally “joking” feeling pain. Whatever the case, rest assured that the number 1 and 2 = normal. The degrees of it depend on the child and his environment, caregivers, etc.
Allowing our children to “feel” their emotion is healthy. Not “feeling” causes too many problems later in life, especially for teens and young adults. Avoid yelling demeaning comments in your frustration, because your child will repeat those words later to their own sweet spirits, bringing down their esteem of who they are. Approaching the “know-it-all” in a calm and objective manner can lead to fewer outbursts. Sometimes as parents we need to know when to “stop” talking.
Example: when our son blurts out his opinion and it really isn’t what it is, what do you do? First, remember, “YOU” are the parent. His son imitates not only his words but also his attitude. Obviously, the situation will determine the answer. Just keep in mind, as I try to do, “Do I have to be correct in this thought my son is sharing?” If not? Then he shares your opinion as an idea and let it go. One morning my son refuses to put on his coat. Like most mornings, I guide him from the comfort of home to the door and the bus stop.
He informs me that it is not cold and that his hoodie is sufficient. This morning it’s 30 degrees, it’s snowing lightly and it’s windy. Fact: it’s cold. This boy, number 5, has chosen his coat as his enemy this winter. Baffled, I argued, pleaded, threatened, bribed, and finally figured it out, let it go. I tell him, as an “idea”, “here is a thought, your coat protects your body from the cold wind. The truth is that it is your body. If you don’t take care of it, you will get sick.” Of course he complains and puts on his coat, again. I don’t get angry, I don’t get emotional, I just calm down and actually stand in front of the door as well. He still came home with it stuffed in his backpack. But, I haven’t heard any rebuttal since that day.
You’ve enlightened your child on what you think and you have a better chance of avoiding the drama of self-criticism. Be assertive and persistent without being drawn into the emotional playing field. If it ends with the drama and they are self-critical, treat every statement that is made with a positive statement. Let your child feel and then acknowledge it. If you always reinforce with positive feedback and love, the positive attitude will quickly change the situation and the general feelings between you and your child. It works for me, just don’t give up!