Commitment phobia is one of the most common phobias that affects people’s daily lives. Basically, it is the fear of long-term relationships that in turn causes permanent union and even marriage to be avoided. Not too long ago, men were thought to be more commitment-phobic than women. However, after various researches and studies, it was concluded that commitment phobia is not gender specific and can affect both men and women equally.
Surprisingly, the paradox here is that people who suffer from commitment phobia are running after the very things they fear: intimate connection and lasting love. It is mainly the fear of making poor decisions coupled with the fear of missed options that makes people with commitment phobia behave erratically. They would leave their stable relationships, they would hurt their partners.
These problems are again and again much more insidious and also have an adverse effect on the person’s work and family life. It becomes difficult for such people to improve in their work. This fear also causes difficulty in making daily decisions, which generates a feeling of being overwhelmed all the time and they feel that they are not in control of their lives.
In addition to other symptoms, people with commitment phobia also run after unapproachable partners, partners who are incompatible with them and obsessively desire partners who are no longer with them. They are prone to self-destruction. In a desperate attempt to ease their distress, people with commitment phobia use their imaginations to conjure up reconciliation scenarios, fantasies that outweigh their emotional needs. This, in turn, hurts them further as nothing can be perfect and nothing in their real life lives up to their high expectations. They often set unrealistic ideals and somehow, even after finding their perfect match, they can bring up their negatives.
While they appear to be ‘shy’, they are actually afraid of being noticed and it is a way of avoiding a connection with someone. Commitment phobia can be caused when someone suffers in an abusive relationship. People recovering from an unsatisfying relationship sometimes develop certain beliefs about relationships and are afraid of ‘falling in love’ again.
A child can also develop this phobia if he witnesses or even has been the victim of an abusive relationship in his seminal years. Whatever happens in the boy’s formative years can also shape the way she thinks as an adult.
Having bad role models or unpleasant stepparents can also cause this phobia in later years. The most common theory is that the mind knows that it was hurt by a loved one and that letting someone get too close again will undoubtedly cause pain. Therefore, the mind subconsciously develops all kinds of defense mechanisms to prevent it from happening again.
Therapies like the Pure Hypo analysis can greatly help people with a commitment phobia. It is unique and seeks to eliminate feelings of being stuck and ‘out of control’ rather than simply managing symptoms, which is temporary. Lastly, along with therapy, it is best for the people around the person with commitment phobia to identify the signs and help them recover.