Love cannot exist without limits, even with your children. it’s easy to understand external borders like you bottom line. Think about the rules and principles you live by when you say what you will or will not do or allow. If you have a hard time saying no, override your needs to please others, or resent someone who demands, controls, criticizes, insists, abuses, invades, begs, or even stifles you with kindness, it’s your responsibility speak. The limits are also internalis discussed later.
There are several areas where the limits apply:
Limit types
- Material limits determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
- Physical boundaries relevant to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug, to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity and closed doors?
- Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Is it easily suggested to you? Do you know what you believe and can you hold on to your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to another person’s, without becoming rigid? If you become very emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
- Emotional boundaries distinguish the separation of your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. it’s like a imaginary line or force field that separates you from others. Healthy boundaries keep you from giving advice, blaming, or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty about someone else’s negative feelings or problems and from taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear inner boundaries: knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
- Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual contact and activity: what, where, when, and with whom.
- Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in relationship with God and a higher power.
why is it difficult
It is difficult for codependents to set limits because: 1) They put the needs and feelings of others first; 2) They don’t know themselves; 3) They do not feel entitled; 4) They believe that setting limits endangers the relationship; and 5) They never learned to have healthy boundaries.
Limits are learned. You didn’t learn that you had rights or limits, if yours weren’t valued while you were growing up. Any type of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until he could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I had no right to say”Arrest” when I felt uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the ability to tell a masseur that Arrest and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent and responsible adult.
you have rights
You may not believe you have any rights if yours were not respected while you were growing up. For example, you have the right to privacy, to say “No,” to be treated with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel engagements, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to being left alone, to conserve your energy and not answer a question, the phone or an email.
- Think about all the situations where these rights apply.
- Write down how you feel and how you currently handle them.
- How often do you say “Yes” when you would like to say “No”?
- Write I want you to want it to happen.
- List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from affirming them?
- Write statements that express your bottom line. Be nice. For example, “Please don’t criticize me (or call me, or lend me my…)” and “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m sorry I can’t join you (or help you).” . “
internal limits
Internal limits regulate your relationship with yourself. Think of them as self-discipline and healthy management of time, thoughts, emotions, behavior, and impulses. If you procrastinate, do things you don’t have to do or want to do, or overdo it and don’t get enough rest, fun, or eating well, you may be neglecting your inner physical limits. Learning to manage negative thoughts and feelings empowers you, as does the ability to meet goals and commitments to yourself.
Healthy emotional and mental inner boundaries help you not take responsibility for or obsess over other people’s feelings and problems, something codependents often do, followed by violating others’ emotional boundaries with unwanted advice. Strong internal boundaries curb suggestibility. You think of yourself, instead of automatically accepting criticism or advice from others. You are then empowered to set external emotional boundaries if you wish. Similarly, since you are responsible for your feelings and actions, you do not blame others. When you get blamed, if you don’t feel responsible, instead of defending yourself or apologizing, you can say, “I don’t take responsibility for that.”
Guilt and resentment
Anger is often a signal that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and blame someone or something, it could mean that you haven’t set boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting limits, remind yourself that your relationship suffers when you are unhappy. Once you practice setting limits, you will feel empowered and less anxious, resentful, and guilty. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.
Setting effective boundaries
People often say they set a limit, but to no avail. There is an art to setting limits. If you do it in anger or scolding: “I’ve told you 100 times…”, no one will listen to you. Limits are not meant to punish, but for your well-being and protection. They are most effective when you are assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate the consequences to encourage compliance. However, it is essential that you never threaten a consequence that you are not fully prepared for.
It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective limits. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting limits is not selfish. It’s self love – You say “Yes” to yourself every time you say “No”. Build self esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and stick with it, especially when you get a pushback. Learn more about how to set limits on Codependency For Dummies and my ebook How to speak your mind and set limits.
© Darlene Lancer 2013