Mobile phones and the ability to send text messages have made the world of dating and relationships very different than it was ten years ago. Some of us remember connecting by phone at work and at home to make all our social arrangements. Raise your hand (or nod if you are reading in a public place) those of you who remember sitting by the phone for hours, days, even weeks wishing that someone special would call you. Would you do it now? Not likely… when you can send a text and expect a response in minutes! In an extraordinarily short space of time, we have gotten used to the idea that we can contact each other anytime, anywhere, anywhere.
However, texting like other forms of social networking, including Facebook, means that first-generation users (that is, you) are still in the early stages of laying down the ground rules of the future. In a way, you are not much different from prehistoric man in the discovery of fire. Just as we believe our predecessors adapted their behaviors with the new discovery, so we have with our new technologies. Nowhere is it more evident than in our intimate relationships.
New Behaviors
In the ‘old days’, fears around rejection meant that some would-be lovers never picked up the phone to make that first call. Now we can hide our fears behind technology. We are using text messages to ask others out, and before we meet them, we are flirting with them. We have a new word ‘sexting’ to describe texts of the most explicit type. Texting is part of the ‘chase’, and as far as booty calls go, it’s now much easier with the ‘hookup’ (usually drunk) text.
Karen and Ryan are an example of the new text behaviors in relationships. They met at a conference and got along well. They exchanged phone numbers, and a few days later, Ryan texted Karen to “test the water.” Karen’s response prompted Ryan to ask her out of it. Soon after, they began seeing each other once or twice a week. They rarely spoke between dates and relied almost entirely on sexting to stay connected. Until the day Ryan didn’t reply to Karen’s text. After several unanswered text messages, reflecting Karen’s emotions turning from confusion to concern, Ryan finally replied: “This isn’t working for me, so let’s call it a day..” Karen’s subsequent text messages were ignored and she hasn’t heard from Ryan since.
So are we serious or not?
Something you may find of interest is a recent study by Parship, the UK-based online dating service. They found that six in ten (60%) occasional daters use text messages to set up their first meeting, while voice calls were the choice of more than two-thirds (67%) of people looking for a relationship I would be.
You are ignoring me?
Perhaps because texting makes connecting and disconnecting so easy is also why it feeds any insecurity that may be in the relationship. Couples often argue with each other over not responding immediately to text messages. An unanswered text to someone who feels insecure can lead you to think that your partner is ignoring you because of something you did or said, that you are no longer interested in the relationship, or worse, has run off with that hot coworker. job. Meanwhile, your other half may be at a meeting/funeral/dining with your mother or simply too distracted with work to respond immediately. Unfortunately, it’s these kinds of unreasonable expectations around texting that are ruining good relationships.
aggressive text messages
John and Sarah have been together for nine months and are discussing moving in together. However, one contentious area for the couple is Sarah’s texting behaviour. John talks about how Sarah texts him multiple times throughout the day. At the beginning of their relationship, he didn’t see it as a problem and even participated as much as Sarah, however now he finds it difficult to deal with it. Things have escalated further since the arrival back on the scene of John’s ex, who is hanging out with his friends. Sarah’s texting behavior is much more demanding and aggressive. John tried to talk about it with Sarah, assuring her that she’s not spending time with her ex, but Sarah insists that texting is just her way of keeping in touch with John, nothing more. Sometimes John gets so frustrated with text messages that he reacts by ignoring them. When that happens, the tracking pattern that has evolved between them is that John receives between ten and fifteen text messages from Sarah along with several phone calls demanding to know where she is, who she’s with, and insisting that he contact her immediately. John is now rethinking their future together.
Rules of the game
Texting is still a very new way to communicate, but because it’s here to stay, the following quick tips can help you avoid the kinds of texting behaviors that can damage relationships.
- Accept that your partner’s communication style may be different from yours, so a one-word response of ‘Great’ or ‘Good’ doesn’t have to mean a lack of interest on your part.
- Avoid texting when you’re angry. Aggressive and hurtful words are hard to take back when written and never, ever carry out a full-blown argument over text.
- Remember that texting is not a substitute for face-to-face contact. Even a smiley in text can’t beat seeing the real thing on a loved one’s face.
And finally, most of us will claim to have a busy and stressful life, but instead of ignoring a text from a partner and raising their stress levels later, a quick message sent with something like “Thinking of you” does wonders in a relationship. Happy texting!