50 ways to leave your lover

This article has nothing to do with the popular Paul Simon hit of the same title. Very simple, after countless hours of research, these are the fifty best ways to end a relationship.

1. Send a basket of cheese with a note that says, “It was really good, but I found someone with cheese.”
2. Take a mini road trip and drop them off at a truck stop.
3. Send a text message.
4. He starts to fuck with his brother or sister.
5. Send them a postcard from another country.
6. Tell them you are gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
7. Drop them off at the Mall of America waiting in line at Orange Julius.
8. Go home with someone else while on a date.
9. Throw a brick through the window that says “DONE.”
10. Ignore them completely, always leaving them wondering what could have been.
11. Tell your friend it’s over and let word of mouth do the rest.
12. If you hate smoking, start chain smoking.
13. On your birthday, sit at the bar instead of spending time with them.
14. Tell them you can’t be with someone who enjoys Survivor reruns.
15. Tell them you just got tested for hepatitis.
16. Better yet, get hepatitis and tell them. Then spill the beans.
17. He throws up his favorite outfit, then when they ask you to clean it up, just throw it away. Do it repeatedly until they are gone.
18. Continually be an asshole.
19. Have sex with your co-worker. Then have sex with your coworker again.
20. Cut your tires, then when they ask for a ride to work, drive pointing and laughing.
21. Gain 80 pounds and then be overly sensitive when told you’ve gained weight, ultimately ending in a breakout.
22. Kiss your best friend under the Eiffel Tower.
23. Present to your favorite pet. When they ask why they say it was ugly.
24. Be mature and do it face to face.
25. It’s a joke.
26. Talk to them like they are seven years old. Act like you’re better than them. They will end up leaving you.
27. Change the status of your relationship on Facebook.
28. Send a mass email to all your friends. Carbon copy.
29. Leave a sticky note on the door.
30. Leave them a long voicemail, saving the breakup for last.
31. Tweet them “let’s see other people” and tag them.
32. Give them a Microsoft PowerPoint presentation of all the happy moments, pictures, music, etc. and then on the last slide show them that it’s all over.
33. Schedule an appointment with your friend. Get your friend to break the news to you.
34. Leave them at Christmas in front of all the relatives.
35. If you play an instrument, write a breakup song.
36. Make a short video, burn it to DVD and send it by mail.
37. Contact your boss and ask him to fax your partner first thing in the morning.
38. Go on a meditation retreat. When you return, say that you found yourself and that the universe means more than meaningless relationships.
39. He watches excess porn around him.
40. Tell them, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
41. Force religion down your throat. If they are already religious, choose an opposite ideology.
42. If you’ve been together for a while, tell them that you never want to get married, that you hate children, and that you want to travel alone for the rest of your life.
43. For the girls, it suffocates the boy to oblivion. If she’s only with you for sex and discounts, the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, then she’s likely to part faster than Ernest Rutherford split the atom.
44. If you have a joint account, withdraw all the money and use it for a plane ticket to Australia, leaving them with nothing. Freeze your assets if that’s an option.
45. Complain about everything: work, friends, money, health, mental instability, bills, etc. The less important the complaints, the faster they will go. Ex: I can’t believe you tipped our waiter 22%. He only filled my water twice and did not offer us the desert menu. What if I leave room for the desert? I mean, honestly, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you.
46. Quit your job and be depressed all day. Inactivity of employment in a partner will cause either to leave eventually.
47. If you are a fan of cleanliness, leave everything in disarray. Never wash dishes or clean after yourself. They will go away.
48. Tell them on a flight, leaving them the duration to find out how everything went wrong and what they can do to get you back.
49. Get drunk and throw all your shit out the door.
50. ??

… I leave the last one blank because it is for you, the reader, to come to mind. What are some of the ways you’ve broken up? What are some of the ways you have broken up with someone? Leave a comment at the bottom of the page.