Recently, I received an email from a very distraught wife who was at a crossroads in her marriage. During an argument, her husband blurted out that he just didn’t know if he wanted to get married any more. When pressured, he told her that he “thought” he still loved her, but also thought that he no longer wanted to be married to her. I wasn’t sure how to process this contrast. How could he love her but not want to share his life with her as a married couple? And how was I supposed to respond to this? Sure, things had been a bit rough lately, but she had no idea that he was thinking of ending things. So now he was faced with not only trying to deal with the impact of the situation, but also how to fix it before things deteriorated towards divorce. I will tell you how I advised him in the following article.
Telling you that you are not sure you want to stay married is a valuable wake-up call: First of all, I have to tell you that no matter how bad this feels right now, telling you this is actually an advantage. I have so many women who write to me AFTER their husband has already started the divorce process or after things have deteriorated quite a bit to the point where there is no communication. However, by communicating his feelings to her, her husband has shown that he is still willing to give and take. This is a good thing and allows you the luxury of time to address it properly.
That being said, this is really only an advantage if you take steps to improve the situation. Obviously, if you take an action that makes things worse, you may not have said a word. So, use this to your maximum benefit and consider it a wake-up call that not all wives get. Go to this with the attitude that you are going to make the most of this not only to avoid things, but to permanently improve them.
Accept nothing less than the root of the problem, but don’t bother trying to find it: Many wives make the mistake of assuming the attitude that their husband owes them a first-class ticket in his mind and heart. And often, it’s not just the demand to be let in, it’s the tone you adopt. Your tone implies: “I want to know exactly why you think this because I want to show you that you are wrong” or “You are selfish and wrong. What more could you want from me?”
Obviously, these things don’t make you love your husband. Nobody wants to be told that they are not smart or perceptive enough to know what is really going on. And everyone will defend their right to be happy and have a mutually satisfying relationship.
Still, to fix this issue, you need to know what you’re dealing with. It would be very helpful if you could know what is causing this change in your husband. But, approach as if you just want to work with him to address and then fix the issue. You do not intend to blame or get angry.
Often times, men simply cannot identify exactly what the root of the problem is. They will often give you vague statements like “I’m not sorry anymore” or “I’m not sure I want to get married, not just to you, to anyone.” This doesn’t help you much. But here’s one thing that is almost always present, so much so that you don’t even need to ask. If your marriage is in trouble, it is because there is a noticeable loss of intimacy within at least one of the couples. When a person is deeply attached to his spouse, he does not question whether he wants to marry or not. And if problems arise, they want to solve them quickly because they don’t want to lose this closeness.
But, if your husband is in the process of paying, he is already at the point where he has overcome this fork in the road. The bond has weakened to a point where the process of accepting this loss has begun. So it makes sense that before you can start navigating the slow process of bringing it back, you must first restore this link. You can’t do this if you are always scolding him or trying to make him change his mind. You must be their partner in this process, not their accuser and not someone who is only on their own.
Restoring the ever-important bond and understanding that your husband will go where the payoff is:I have alluded to this, but now I am going to try to carry this point home. Your first step should be to restore the strong bond between you. Go over the things you used to enjoy together. Channel the best version of yourself. Don’t present yourself as angry, desperate, or frantic. Present yourself as the loving, self-respecting wife who cares about her husband’s happiness.
It is also important to understand that it is only human nature to gravitate towards where the greatest reward is. If your husband feels more positive when he is away from you than when he is with you, he will eventually want to leave, and permanently. You have to make sure your payment is at home, with you. Therefore, you need to focus on creating positive and genuine feelings for both of you. The fact that you are happier is going to feed off your own reward, so that you can freely give it to him. Remember that you want your reward to be where you are, not where you are not.