Valentine’s week focuses on multiple ways to show others that you care about them or are in love with them. Hearts, flowers, candy, and trinkets are given as symbols of devotion, but not all are made for the right reasons or with a healthy commitment.
We all think we know what love is, but then we act in ways that don’t match our words. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Love is not:
- Give someone everything they want because by doing so you think they will change forever. Clients have often told me that they felt that giving money to wayward teens would encourage them to return home. No! People often do what they want and cannot be bribed or coerced into doing what others want.
- Ignoring the problems and crossing their fingers that they will solve themselves. Not talking means not dealing with things and past behaviors are often a predictor of future behaviors. Wishing and hoping are not the same as solving.
- Accept abusive behavior. We teach people how to treat us. If you have been abused and accept a hasty and insincere apology, you are likely to be caught in a cycle of abuse followed by an apology followed by abuse.
- Time served. Just because you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a period of time doesn’t mean you’re healthy, safe, or protected.
- Keep secrets. The underlying foundation of the problems is built on dishonesty and hidden actions. If you need to keep something a secret, that means that deep down you already know that you are up to “nothing good.”
- Blaming others instead of facing your own failures. Most people don’t want to look into a mirror that shows their own flaws. Instead, they point fingers and distract the conversation by focusing on someone else.
- Demand information on private matters. When adult children want to know details about the wishes of their elderly parents, they can present themselves as authoritative and inappropriate. An attitude of “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” can destroy relationships.
- Revenge for past hurts or failures. Hurting others is not a good response for those who have been hurt. Focus on healing instead of trying to get even.
- Enable. There is a television show that shows people who weigh more than 600 pounds. Those who buy food for the immobile or bedridden end up having to care for the obese person. When you enable someone, you both pay a price for this.
- Play games with emotions. Sweet talk, false promises, and cheating can be very hurtful. For!
When it comes to being a Valentine, it’s important to not just think about the other person. Instead, examine when and how you show your love. Are your words and actions healthy or are you in an actor’s role that considers only your own selfish needs and desires?