With the success of Lifetime’s With supernatural drama Blood Ties and the impending premieres of The Bionic Woman on NBC and The Sarah Connor Chronicles on Fox, SciFi Channel is actively developing new programming to retain its current female audience and attract more women to the creatively confusing cable channel.

This fall, the SciFi Channel presents a reinvention of. . .

The Golden Girls: Sarah Conner, Ellen Ripley, an Alien Brood Queen, and Bea Arthur share a fallout shelter as they search for love and cheesecake in post-apocalyptic Miami.

Murder, she wrote: Lindsay Lohan plays Jessica Fletcher, a sassy and sexy mystery writer who gets caught up in real-life mysteries as she searches for love, cheesecake, and boxer shorts. In the space. While he’s drunk.

Sex in New York: Four high-powered Manhattan women in the year 2765 develop mutant abilities that allow them to lead insanely indulgent lives without having to do a shred of work. Follow Samantha, Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte as they gobble down cheesecake, destroy men, and search for the perfect martini. Sponsored by Manolo Blahnik, The Cheesecake Factory and Trojan Enz.

Gilmore girls: Mother-daughter duo Lorelai and Rory are on the run from Lorelai’s evil and robotic mother in post-apocalyptic Connecticut! They search for love and cheesecake and find both with Luke, the tough but handsome hunter whom Lorelai will consume like the praying mantis bitch that he is.

Ally McBeal: A fickle and emotionally unstable lawyer in post-apocalyptic Boston seeks love and flees from cheesecake as her mental state slowly breaks free, demonstrated by a series of vivid fantasy sequences indicating that she is indeed the imperious leader of the Cylons.

The babysitter: The nude girl from Species accepts a job as a babysitter for a spoiled brother and sister in New Manhattan, a space station located in the rings of Saturn. She searches for sustenance and a healthy man to breed with (i.e. love and cheesecake) as her brave burdens try to trick her into putting on clothes. The sister is, anyway. The brother loves the natural look of the babysitter.

Designing women: Four women who had previously been interior designers set their sights on the most profitable business of designing pleasure droids in post-apocalyptic Atlanta. The challenges of the workplace are interspersed with his personal struggles for love and cheesecake in a world populated by mutated men and hauntingly intelligent farm animals.

Desperate housewives: In a post-apocalyptic world, mutated housewives sleep, raise snotty children, and get sarcastic as they search for love and cheesecake. Starring the naked girl from Species, the naked girl from Lifeforce, the half-naked girl from The Fifth Element, and Princess Aura from Flash Gordon. Guest appearances by Kyle McLaughlin and crowd of shirtless men.

And the only SciFi Original series. . .

The Adventures of Boobs O’Doom: A cheeky librarian undergoes breast reduction surgery, only to have her procedure taken over by a crazy plastic surgeon who replaces Miss O’Doom’s breast tissue with high-tech devices, effectively turning one into a device. of mind control and the other in a Swiss army. tit. No love, no cheesecake, just boobs.

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